My dog likes some dogs, is indifferent to some and really hates others. I often wonder what she senses that causes her to react the way she does to the dogs we encounter. Is it a scent, the way they walk, look, bark…?
I notice I am the same way with people. I really like and love some, am indifferent to some and really dislike others.
Before I started Motherless Daughters of Los Angeles, before Hope’s book came out and we even had a name “Motherless Daughters”, I noticed that most of my close friends were either motherless, like me, or had gone through something fairly traumatic at a relatively young age. I didn’t purposely seek theses gals out, it just seemed to happen. I was drawn to them just like Cody (my dog) is drawn to certain dogs.
There seems to be an unspoken bond between motherless daughters. We often “get” each other. We can speak shorthand. This can be very healing and validating.
So I’m wondering, are your friends motherless daughters too? Are you drawn to people who have gone through hard things?
Not having a Mom makes you grow up really fast. Recently a friend of mine was having some financial trouble, along with the rest of the world, and she called her Mom to help her out. My friend is 51 and she can still call her Mom when she needs help.
Not having a Mom makes you very self-reliant. Sometimes so much so that it is hard for us to ask for help when we need it.
Not having a Mom is still hard, even after all these years. You’d think we’d get used to it by now. I went to a funeral recently, a close family friend, and she was buried at the same cemetery as my Mom. My husband, my son and I stopped by my Mom’s grave to visit her. The headstone was clean and looked new. She died in l965. What struck me is that she is still dead. There is something so final about death. I know rationally that this will always be, but looking at her headstone sort of hammers the point home.
So I was hoping you would share your thoughts on this. How would you complete the sentence:
Not having a mom….
Since I lost my Mom when I was seven, I have known about sudden and traumatic loss since then. So, for almost my whole life, I have been aware that anything can happen at any time. I have known that life is fragile, precious and can be gone in an instant. I have also been helping other people with their grief as a psychotherapist for over 20 years. Specifically motherless daughters.
When we grow up with this legacy of loss, it both makes us more able to handle future losses and less able at the same time. It allows us to experience another person’s pain and empathize at a level that few others can. It also causes trauma that can be reactivated when we experience future losses.
I lost my younger brother to suicide last weekend. A sudden, tragic and unexpected loss, much as my mother’s death was 44 years ago. You would think that with my personal and professional experience, I would be able to handle such a loss well. The truth is, that there is no other way to deal with grief but to go through it and I am no exception. While the death of my mother and my expertise allows me a window into what to expect, I still have to go through the feelings. The sadness, the numbness, the anger, the denial and the ultimate acceptance of what has happened cannot be escaped no matter how evolved or educated we may be. Grief is grief and no matter how we try to avoid it, we can’t. We will all lose people, money, possessions, health, our youth, etc… and will go through the grieving process over and over again. It is part of life. Even animals grieve.
So now at my family gatherings there will be a new empty chair. The chair that my brother has occupied for 40 years. I will miss him every day for the rest of mine. To all of you who have empty chairs this holiday season, I’m sending you love and healing.
Don’t you hate it when people say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” ?
I do. Losing your Mom at a young age is a big lemon. Or really more like lots of little lemons that you keep getting every time you miss your Mom.
After years of working with Motherless Daughters, and being one myself, I have seen some great traits that we have resulting from our loss. Here is a short list of what I have observed in us. Let me know if you have any of these and/or can add to the list.
Independence. We have had to learn how to take care of things ourselves. This can lead to a strong sense of independence and self-reliance. Unless we go too far with this one, it is a good thing.
Empathy. This kind of early traumatic loss allows us to relate to pain and suffering in others. This deepens who we are as people and as such we can help others.
Resilience. Learning to bounce back from loss, trauma, etc… is something we know how to do. Not that any of us feel completely healed from this loss, but we have gone on with our lives in spite of it. This takes courage and inner strength.
Awareness of our own mortality. This one can go either way, but on the good side, we realize how short/fragile and precious life is. We know we will not be here forever and must live each day to the fullest.
So, that is my short list. Please feel free to add to it or just comment in general. There is nothing more healing than knowing you are not alone.
Does it have to come every year? Can’t we skip a year here and there just to even the score for those of us who are motherless?
Unfortunately, just as Valentines Day can be painful if you’re single, here comes Mother’s Day. That annual day each year when we are acutely reminded of what we have lost. Not just on that Sunday, mind you, but for weeks leading up to it. As soon as the Mother’s Day commercials start. Those sappy commercials showing mothers and daughters enjoying time together are about to hit the airwaves. The mother getting that special card and then, with that teary eyed look that says, “I love you more than anything, daughter,” she smiles and hugs her lovely adult daughter. The music playing in the background from an open jewelry box. Ah, Mother’s Day.
This year we will be having our annual Motherless Daughter’s Day Luncheon on May 3rd. The weekend before Mother’s Day. We gather every year around this time to honor our mothers who have passed and to give each other support during this difficult time of year. We will hear Julie Buxbaum speak, reconnect with each other, get and give lots of hugs and get fortified to face the world again. To be with other women who know what it’s like to have gone through that most painful passage is profoundly healing.
To end our luncheon, we have our Circle of Remembrance Ceremony. We stand in a big circle, hold hands and one by one say, “Irene, daughter of Selma.” “Roni, daughter of Helen.” “Hope, daughter of Marcia….” until we have gone around the entire circle. The power of that experience is almost impossible to put into words. If there is life after death and there is a way to look down on this life from the other side, I have no doubt all of our mothers are in that room with us, smiling that teary eyed smile that says, “I love you more than anything, daughter.”
I am still surprised how much I miss my Mom. She died when I was seven, 43 years ago, and I still miss her.
Not long ago I was sitting in the busy waiting area at the hair salon. I picked up a Glamour Magazine and started reading an article about Susan Sarandon. She was talking about what it was like to be a Mom to her teenage daughter who was 17 at the time. She said her daughter had her head on straight and was strong and that her job now was just to be there to catch her if she falls. That line made me so very sad. I had no one to catch me when I fell. No one. I felt the tears coming up (I hate when that happens in public), welling, dripping…
“Irene, are you ready?” my hairdresser said.
“Sure.”
“Are you OK?” she noticed the tears.
“Yeah, I was just reading a moving article.”
“Really, what was it about?” she innocently asked.
“If I start talking about it, I’ll start crying again so why don’t we talk hair and fashion instead.”
Do you have missing mom moments? I’d love to hear about them. Feel free to leave comments and let’s get the conversation going.
Best Regards,
Irene
Hi Motherless Daughters,
Welcome to the new blog feature on the website where I will be posting regular motherless daughter related blogs that will be open for your comments. I’d like to start a dialog so we can connect online. This one is very short just to test it out.
I look forward to seeing you all at the Motherless Daughter’s Day luncheon and Circle of Remembrance Ceremony on May 3rd.
More blogs to come.
Best Regards,
Irene